Not only do we have the task to forgive, but not forgiving can lead to bitterness. Learn more about bitterness from the story of Naomi and learn how to prevent yourself from becoming bitter.
by rev Jan-Louis Lee
In Ruth 1 we read about an interesting family: Elimelech with his sons and wife, Naomi – who go and find a home in Moab. It is a well-known story; in the end Naomi and her daughter-in-law return to Bethlehem without a single cent.
Then we read something very striking in Ruth 1:20-21:
She said to them, ‘Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the Lord has testified against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me?’
The circumstances in which Naomi (which means “pleasant” or “gentle”) now finds herself in, make her bitter – so bitter that she herself arrogantly accuses God of turning against her.
The meaning of the word bitter
The word bitterness or bitter is used several times in Scripture, usually in the sense of a bad experience, a disappointment, or heartache and anxiety. Some dictionaries also associate this word with the word poisonous – a deadly substance that causes death.
The bitterness in Naomi
Naomi in Ruth 1 becomes consumed by bitterness, even crippled, so much so that when she returns to Bethlehem, she is no longer pleasant or gentle. It is like she underwent an identity change, and is now a bitter, angry, old woman.
Bitterness occupied her heart so much that she experienced every negative thing around her. She feels she is the target of God’s judgment; and she cannot move forward from the bitterness.
And although Naomi’s fate is a self-inflicted wound because she in disbelief and disobedience moved to Moab, these events teach us something powerful about the way in which bitterness weighs down our hearts and occupies our thoughts.
Bitterness is paralyzing
- Bitterness weighs you down because it causes a type of tunnel vision where your life is absorbed by a single matter or incident.
- Bitterness makes you distressed and anxious because you worry about things you have no control over.
- It is an unwelcome visitor that occupies your thoughts and makes any other positive thoughts impossible.
- It traps many in a victim mentality.
- It hollows you from the inside out.
In short: Bitterness is like a poison that slowly kills you.
What can lead to bitterness?
In this world there are awful things that happen to people. Great injustice, heartache, pain. Such as when a friend or loved one disappoints or hurts you. When that happens, it feels like a bridge that burned, your trust is broken, and you struggle to carry on with the relationship.
Other times there are things that happen to us from an unexpected angle: A drunk driver causes the death of loved ones, a farm murder takes the life of family members, a swindler steals your hard-earned money.
Oftentimes these incidents leave you shocked about what one human can do to another. It can also make you extremely sad and make it hard for you to forgive.
A lot of people, even believers, sit in a spiral of shock, sadness, anger, and finally, bitterness. This bitterness makes them refuse to forgive. But what is really sad about bitterness, is that it has no effect on the target. They remain – free of charge – in your thoughts, but it hollows you bit by bit.
Forgiveness is not optional
Our Lord Jesus gives out a command that we cannot evade or overlook: We must forgive each other. In Matthew 18:21 and further Jesus teaches us that we must forgive each other in love.
Then there is the parable of the servant who was pardoned by the king but did not pardon those who owed him. This reminds us about our own forgiveness: Christ’s sacrifice came to reconcile us with him. He truly has written off the deepest and most serious debt that could ever be written off: God forgave us unconditionally. Therefore we pray: “…and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matthew 6:12).
Forgiveness is a process
And in this lies the relationship between bitterness and forgiveness. We can never forgive from our own might; it is a process: Ask God in prayer every day that He may help you in such a way that you are able to forgive even if it seems impossible.
Forgiveness does not suggest that we must become best friends again; that we carry on as if nothing happened. It means that you give up thinking of payback and leave it to the Lord, who knows our hearts and sins (Psalm 139). Sometimes it means to forgive, even if forgiveness was not asked for, even if that person denies that he or she has hurt you.
It also means that you guard your heart, just as the poet teaches us in Proverbs 4:23-24:
Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. Put away from you crooked speech, and put devious talk far from you.
Someone once said not to forgive is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Bitterness is a poison that washes over your whole being, takes away your joy and completely destroys your ability as an instrument in the Lord’s kingdom.
By forgiving and giving up the hold of bitterness on your life, you unlock your heart to see the grace of Christ once more. May the Lord help you to forgive.
